Children love when we wait on them hand and foot. Actually, who doesn’t? Sometimes without meaning to we inadvertently encourage children to have feigned helplessness because we rush to help too soon. This suggested strategy works well for those occasions.
My granddaughter was scratching an itch on her hand and I suggested using some hand lotion to help with the problem. I told her the lotion was in my bathroom. She got up, went there, and then called “I can’t find it.” Now, my first impulse was to get up and find it for her but we have a policy in the home called “Help or Hire.” Any time people need help because they cannot do the task, they overestimated their skills, or they are emotionally exhausted and just needs some TLC, then Help is always there. But if the person is very capable and still plays the helpless card then they must HIRE the help. I thought my granddaughter was more than capable so I answered her with these words. “I trust in your skills to find the lotion but if you want to hire my help it will cost you 50 cents.”
She thought for a moment and decided to give it one more try and magically she found the lotion. We help when help is NEEDED but hire when we just don’t feel like doing it on our own. The system works. Sometimes my fee is money and sometimes it is chores. I don’t worry about always charging the same rate. I just tell them I am a consultant and my rates can change.
Another version of this is the lost and found box. One mother said she put any electronics she found lying around the house or on the floor (IPADs, phones, Nintendos, Wii controllers) in a storage box. She tells them the article has been impounded and they have to pay the fee to get it out of impound. She explains that is what the police do with cars they find abandoned. The parent can determine the amount of the impound fee. Again, I encourage you to allow the impound fee to be paid in money or chores. Tied to this is a clear expectation and awareness of the location where the electronics could be kept. Be careful with impounding. Kids can also impound electronics that parents leave scattered around the home so do not start this system unless you want to follow it, too.
What if:
What if they say “Never mind. I’ll do without.” That is a choice. You would not use this strategy if YOU asked them to do the task. It is to be used when they ask for your help.
Follow up:
Remind them you will always be there when they NEED you but you will not disrespect their independence by responding to requests they could complete on their own. We can always do nice surprises for those we love but solving every problem for our children sends a very different message. Rather than a sign of support, intervening too soon can actually send a message of disrespect.
